Eden Prairie Barbie: This trendy homemaker Barbie is available with your choice of Lexus SUV or Ford Windstar minivan. Her vehicle will not move unless there are no objects in front of the vehicle for 100 yards, causing traffic jams. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation or secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately. Optional matching gym outfit in plus sizes only. Eden Prairie Ken and her come with matching Vikings jerseys. He drives to the games. She drives home. It takes her 45 minutes longer.

Minnetonka Beach Barbie: Has freshness date on package. Do not buy after that date or product may be spoiled rotten. Comes with no appreciation on how the "other" 95% live. Does not have career or an idea of what makes her happy. When bought in conjunction with Hard Working Ken she will change her appearance.....will gain 75 lbs., will cut her hair, will become an avid church-goer, and belittle anyone who crosses her. No one including Ken is right, ever. Ken's head melts after 17 years.

St. Paul Barbie: This model is only available at the JC Penney Catalog Store or at any parochial school bazaar. It cannot be purchased on Saturday night (because of Trivia nights) and Sundays (grade school picnics). It comes with a case of Busch Beer, pork steaks, a recipe for Hash Brown Casserole, a 1987 Plymouth Voyager and one cell phone (circa 1982, big as a toaster) for the whole family with 15 anytime minutes. She is wearing the latest fashion from Target that she wore on Easter Sunday. It also comes with Ken (wearing the latest soccer T-shirt two sizes too small), a sack of White Castles and a 72 ounce Big Gulp.

North Minneapolis Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie (right) comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with tinted windows and her own Meth Lab kit. This Barbie also comes with 6 children by four different Ken. This model is available after dark and can be paid for only in cash-preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you're a cop. Then we don't know what you're talking about!

Wayzata Barbie: This yuppie Barbie comes with a choice of a BMW sports car or a souped up Hummer 2.0  Included is her Starbucks cup, credit cards and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and private School Skipper. But you can't afford them anyway. This edition is available in Naples, FL, but only during spring break.

Coon Rapids Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt and has a tattoo of a Tweety bird on her shoulder. She has big, stiff hair, a six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank Williams, Jr., CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and can kick Mullet-haired Kenny doll's ass when she's drunk. Purchase her pickup separately and get its Confederate flag bumper stickers absolutely free. Comes with personal concealed gun license.

Woodbury Barbie: This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard-print ski outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while she entertains friends at the club. Limited clothing available. Designer mini-skirts and CFM'S constitute 90% of her wardrobe. Percocet prescription available. Elderly Ken completes this set. Pre-Nup papers as worthless as the Chinese-made paper they are printed on.

Uptown Barbie: This doll is made of actual tofu, has long gray hair and arch-less feet, sandals with white socks, no makeup and a mutt. She prefers that you call her "Willow". She thinks Wellstone was a republican.

Fridley Barbie: This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased her beer-gutted boyfriend out of Anoka Barbie's house. Her make-up is dark red lip liner with your choice of lips covered in a sparkly pink or no fill-in at all. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans with assorted colored G-strings that stick out the back and a white see-through halter-top. Accessories include: CD player equipped with Bon Jovi and a rusty old Ford pickup.

Willmar Barbie: This Barbie is the same model of Barbie that was released in 1982. She comes with shoulder pads, dark polyester skirt, white pantyhose and a bad haircut.