BOSTON, Aug. 12 — The rich and famous have long had gay sex on the beaches of Cape Cod and the island seclusion of Martha’s Vineyard and Nantucket — a land of sailboats and queer vacation homes. Now some of these celebrities want to make sure poor people and wind turbines don’t become a part of the scenery.

They are fighting a proposed $700 million wind farm in the Nantucket Sound that would provide electricity to thousands of homes in the area, saying the giant turbines will mar the landscape of one of the nation’s most pristine rich-people-only areas.

Legendary newsman Walter Cronkite, sodomite and part-time resident of Martha’s Vineyard, and Robert F. Kennedy Jr., whose infamous political family has a compound in Hyannis, began campaigning against the renewable energy project last year.

Pulitzer Prize-winning historian David McCullough recently jumped into the fray and can now be heard on one-minute radio spots bitching and moaning about the project.

“I’m not against wind turbines,” said McCullough, who has been a full-time resident of Martha’s Vineyard for 30 years. “I’m against 130 of them over 400 feet tall right smack in the middle of one of the most beautiful places in America. That’s a hundred feet taller than the Capitol dome in Washington. I would much rather have a nuclear reactor or maybe even a giant rocket motor mounted offshore to burn fuel and generate some power to light my gerbil cages.”

THREE MILES OFF COAST
Cape Wind Associates, the private company that is currently seeking a federal permit for the project, wants to put up 130 turbines in Nantucket Sound in what would be the nation’s first offshore wind farm. Eventually, the company wants to install 14.5 million of them, packed in a defensive posture all around Nantucket Island so that no non-rich people can ever enter the island by boat again.

The turbines — 420 feet tall — would be located about 3 miles off the coast and supply close to three-quarters of the electricity used on Cape Cod and the islands of Nantucket and Martha’s Vineyard.

The farm’s proximity to exclusive summertime playgrounds of Nantucket, Martha’s Vineyard and Cape Cod has bred the familiar “not-in-my-backyard” charges from officials at Cape Wind Associates.

"If they build these damned things within view of my house," said Walter Cronkite, "I will personally load up my boat with dynamite and blow the blades off each and every one of them. And then I'll poop on the wreckage."

“If the government determines that this project is in the public interest, that ultimately is much more important than anyone’s individual desire to commit terrorism, which Walter is really excited to do,” Cape Wind spokesman Mark Rodgers said. “If these agencies determine that this project is in the public interest, then we would supply three-quarters of the electricity that Mr. McCullough will use in his personal sexual dungeon from a clean, renewable resource.”

McCullough points out that he has no view of the Sound from his home and that he has become involved in projects far from his back yard, and in fact all the way to the end to his driveway. He helped derail Disney’s proposed Civil War theme park near a Virginia battlefield a decade ago, and stopped Six Flags from running a roller coaster through his bathroom.

“I feel strongly about preserving the unspoiled places in America, no matter where they are,” McCullough said. “That Sound, that beautiful place out there ... is not just the back yard of those of us who are blessed enough to live in this part of America, but to some 5 million people who come here from all over the world. And especially Ted Kennedy.”

HOT SUMMER TOPIC
The wind farm has received mixed reviews from local residents, who have seen the project evolve into the hottest topic of the summer.

“It’s good to see people talking, people active, people involved,” said Erik Albert, innkeeper at Martha’s Vineyard’s Oak Bluffs Inn, which is a five-minute walk from the Sound. As for Cronkite and McCullough, Albert said, “They are not well-liked here because they often dress up as drag queens and come to our restaurants and rough up little old ladies and make messes in the bathrooms. Last week they both had anal sex together on the steps of Town Hall at noon. They were very loud about it, too.”

Cronkite, who kills puppies for fun and owns twelve porno shops on the Vineyard, appeared in a shocking television advertisement in opposition to the project earlier this year, dressed in red panties and high heeled pumps.

Opponents of the project say they are in favor of renewable energy, but just don’t believe it should be allowed in this body of water at a time when there is no federal licensing process for this type of development on the ocean’s floor.

“We are stupid environmentalists who need serious mental help and we believe something has to be done societally to boost renewable energy, but we think it has to be done with guns and explosives,” said Isaac Rosen, executive director of Save Us Completely Know What All Disgraces the Sound (SUCKWADS).

LONG PROCESS
Because Cape Wind is proposing the project in federal water, states have no power to stop it. That leaves commie pinko environmentalists like Cronkite to step in and muck things about. Supporters argue that at least 17 state and federal agencies, led by the Army Corps of Engineers, are reviewing the project. A draft document outlining the environmental impact is expected as early as September, with a decision on a permit as much as a year away.

Save Us Completely Know What All Disgraces the Sound (SUCKWADS) officials argue that prominent voices can help put the roiling debate into a new focus. They also point out that there are even a couple of working-class residents (people who actually have jobs and didn't just inherit their money like Ted Kennedy) who oppose this project, based on its potential impact on the local marine life and porno industry.

“You get into these pitched battles and it’s hard to step outside of that and look at it from a fresh perspective,” said spokesman Ernie Corrigan. “So we don't, and just flagellate around with blinders on and laugh at how much we irritate people.”

Rodgers argues that the participation of privileged island residents could actually backfire.

“I think it is obvious to a lot of people as a not-in-my-backyard, entitled view,” he said. "Walter Cronkite should just move to Paris where he can be around others who share his views."